Unsuredness.

That’s a word, right? I wrote about being unsure for a friend’s website, which is a collection of writers, and I am now cross-posting it here. You can find the original post on Vicarious Lines.

At this time one year ago, I lived in Los Angeles, was preparing for Coachella and to take my PADI Rescue Diver course in Nicaragua. I wanted to become a Dive Master for quite a few years, and the Rescue Diver certification was the next step on that journey.

Fast-forward to April 2012 and I find myself unsure of virtually everything. I am now once again a resident of Seattle, and now I am unemployed and a Dive Master. I got my DM certification in Khao Lak, Thailand in January and returned to Seattle one month later. I find myself unemployed (which is also different than last year at this time), and completely unsure of what it is I want to do. I am unsure of what I want to do, as well as unsure of what I should do now, as well as unsure of if I made the right decision in moving back home. I know, “home is where the heart is,” but I’m not sure. I know I’m in a place where I cannot make that determination now – due to being unsure (not to mention unemployed). I find myself on random crying jags, but I wonder if that’s because I’m not working full time, and have not so much to take up my time.

I don’t feel that I’ve been hibernating, but on some level, I think I have been. I didn’t realize how much I’d miss the sun of Southern California. I miss the people I met in my 11-year sojourn in Southern California, yet I love spending time with the people I knew in Seattle – the ones I get to spend so much time with lately. I get to watch some of my friends’ kids get older and older. I get to experience the changes week to week. I get asked to babysit and use those kid experiences as another reason to not have kids now. But I don’t get to go to other friends’ restaurant openings in LA, or new cocktail bars that are opened by other friends, unless I happen to be in town. I have tried to immerse myself in Seattle’s cocktail culture (and I think I’ve done a darn good job), Seattle’s restaurant culture (I’ve probably done a less good job on this one), Seattle’s bike culture (it’s far too big to even think that 2 months is enough time!) and Seattle’s dive culture (this one is easier, if even more clique-ier). Those four things have the potential to take up tons of time, and dollars. If only I had more dollars!

But I’m not sure if they will get me to the answer I am looking for: Did I make the right decision? Was moving home the decision I should have made? I know I should not look backward, but at this point, I’m less sure of myself. This makes me sad. In LA I was a churchgoer, but in the last several years, my church community has done less of a job feeding me than the online community I built. Some of those people weren’t even “church” people – but they got me through so much. I wonder if I had more of a church community in Seattle, if that would make me more connected. I’ve tried finding a church and haven’t been successful.

Reconnecting with people has been great. I had a great time reconnecting with my Grandma last fall before Thailand, I have had a great time connecting with my sister and other friends in parts of Washington. I’ve had a great time taking care of friends’ kids and thoroughly enjoyed late summer in Seattle. So, if a job will make this not sure feeling go away, I’d take it.

The other option is to buck up and make some dreams come true. I’m working on that one. I have taken some leaps of faith in the past few days and know I need to take more. I have talents that if some company doesn’t want to harness, I need to use them to make myself happy. I am a grown woman in her mid-30s, I need to make some dreams come true.

Dream #1 for 2012 was becoming a DiveMaster – I did that. On to Dream #2 – it awaits.

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